This is a guest post from the awesome Amber of Strocel.com. If you are interested in writing a guest post for A Lot of Loves on a family friendly topic of your choosing (e.g. parenting, activities, food, craft, gardening, etc.) please contact me!
I have a vision of the sort of mother I’d like to be. In my vision, I spend a lot of time playing with my kids on their level. I build Lego towers and assemble train tracks and dress up like a princess. I slide down slides and turn cartwheels and maybe even climb trees. I also involve my children in my daily life. We fold laundry together, and bake cookies, and make soup. We vacuum and garden and wash windows. Then I volunteer in their classrooms, and take them to the library and the swimming pool and their activities (not too many and not too few). And of course, we don’t watch any TV to speak of.
I suppose that my vision of the ideal mother is sort of a crunchy granola supermom. She bakes her own bread, works from home around her non-whining children, and saves the planet all at the same time.
My 2-year-old hiding in a bathroom cupboard and playing Angry Birds – not part of my vision
It sounds lovely in its own way. At the heart of it, my vision reflects my desire to connect with my kids and give them a good childhood. The only problem is that my vision of the mom I’d like to be and the mom that I actually am are light years apart. As I type this up right now, it’s 11:50pm on a Sunday and I’m already cranky about the stuff I have to do on Monday. My house is a mess, and I had to use the TV as a babysitter to get dinner made.
I was thinking about this disparity between my vision for myself and the reality of my life recently. Most specifically, I was thinking about the guilt that it causes me. I’m not a crunchy granola supermom – far from it. But I think that I should be. I think that a good mom would be. So, logically, I am not a good mom. And then I wallow in this and start beating myself up and it is not pretty at all.
My 6-year-old climbing a tree – crunchy granola supermom would be up there with her
I am not supermom, it’s true. But the reality is that I am a good mom – or at least a good-enough mom, which is really all that any of us can hope for. And (here’s the real kicker) I am an even better mom when I’m not beating myself up over all the ways I’m not living up to some ideal of perfection. I’m much less cranky, for instance. I don’t waste as much energy worrying about the state of my floors. And I feed the children food they will actually eat, instead of food that I think that a crunchy granola supermom would feed them. Because, as it turns out, my kids don’t actually like granola.
Still, it’s not so easy to banish my inner perfectionist. Years of being a straight A student had their effect on me, and I remain resolutely convinced that I must earn a gold star on every project I undertake. Parenting is no exception. And so, I think it’s time to re-invent my vision. I will incorporate ideas that actually contribute to my own happiness and well-being, and that of my children, instead of ideas that leave me feeling inadequate and crabby. And then I will give myself a gold star when I live up to the new (less than) ideal.
I baked these cookies with kid “help”, and it didn’t go well
Starting today, I have a new vision of the sort of mother I’d like to be. In this vision, I don’t sweat the messes. I still get down and play with my kids on their level – when I’m up to it. Other times, I will give them the opportunity to learn to entertain themselves. I’ll still turn cartwheels, because I’m a cartwheeling whiz, but I’m not trying to squeeze my adult-sized body down a toddler-sized slide. And I’m making the cookies by myself, because it’s just better for everyone that way. But I’ll totally share them, even if it will spoil someone’s dinner.
I’d love your input, too. What does your practical, realistic vision of motherhood look like? What will you bend on, and what won’t you bend on? And how does that compare to what your life actually looks like? Please share!
Amber is a crunchy granola non-supermom who lives in suburban Vancouver with her husband and two children. She blogs at Strocel.com, and she runs an online course for mothers about living with intention at Crafting my Life.
I love this post. I think we all have a “perfect mom” vision for ourselves. I never thought about adjusting my vision..lol. I may just have to try this! My own vision of the perfect mom has me getting up at 6 am every morning to make my kids a hot breakfast, not rushing to get everyone ready or losing my patience, getting home in time to make a nutritous dinner, doing homework, reading books instead of watching tv. My kids would listen to me because I did such a good job of raising them that they would hop at the chance of pleasing me. The beds would be made everyday, the rooms cleaned and the bathroom sparkling. But it doesn’t happen and I guess I’ve had to adjust my vision because I just don’t have the time or the energy through the week to get it all done. On the weekends I’ll have beds made, on the weekends I’ll have a sparkling bathroom and I guess that will have to be good enough!
Tanya´s last [type] ..Weigh loss update
No one is supermom. Supermom is a lie!! A lie, I tell you! We all just do our best and sometimes we come short of the mark that we have made for ourselves, and sometimes we surpass it. Let’s just take the average and be done with it! If it makes you feel better, the other day my kids asked for a treat and I said sure, and then let them go to town on a giant bag of mini-eggs.
Nicole´s last [type] ..I once had a poster of a fish riding a bicycle
Mini eggs are totally awesome, I must say. I’m not sure I would share them with my kids, to be honest. I prefer to keep them for myself.
Amber´s last [type] ..Catching Up with Julie from Momcafe
I had the same perfect visions of me as a mother, only mine also included homeschooling my children where we would all happily let Learning wash over us in the mornings, and we’d all venture out on adventures and togetherness fun in the afternoons. I don’t see this happening. And mostly because I realize now that while I can homeschool, the reality of happy good fun times all the time likely won’t match my idealized vision.
Very little about motherhood has matched my idealized vision. In reality, the TV plays more that I would have hoped, and everything in general is just a little louder and a lot messier than in my dreams.
“not so easy to banish my inner perfectionist”- I completely understand what you mean! The cookie caption made me laugh because I love to be the photographer of my husband making cookies with the kids. He just doesn’t stress about the mini disasters. It is beautiful to watch and I can really learn from him, because when I do it, like you said it doesn’t always go well.
Wendy Irene´s last [type] ..Simplicity
I used to have very similar visions when my kids were little(r). Now, I realize that there is no vision. My idea of our perfect life is fluid and always changing and that’s okay. Sometimes I have time to bake a lot and cook intricate meals, other times I don’t. It all works out in the wash.
Yes! I totally agree! 24/7 parenting does not look like what I imagined back in the day (though I admittedly don’t really remember what I expected — I think I’ve blocked it out at this point!). We do various aspects of my pre-kid imaginings around here, but a lot less than I’d thought, because dang, it’s exhausting!
Kristin @ Intrepid Murmurings´s last [type] ..Idea List for Toddler & Preschooler Activity Bags
Amen. Yes. Yes. And YES. Did I write this?! It put to words all that I feel on a daily basis. And my son watched the wiggles while I made dinner.
I am so far from supermom I think if there was a test to qualify for parenting I would have been locked up and never let within an inch of a child :p
I don’t deal well with little kids. They frustrate me. I expect more when I need to remember my kids are JUST little kids. Actually, Victoria spoiled me. I thought she was an exasperating child but compared to her sister she is an ANGEL!!
Sigh, I think I just need more sleep…and chocolate. Chocolate couldn’t hurt
Carrie´s last [type] ..Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop- Speechless
They really can be frustrating and I bow down to people with more than one!
harriet´s last [type] ..What I learned in February
Having that second child really is a VERY humbling experience. You learn that you can’t take the credit (or the blame) for much of your first kid’s behaviour when your second doesn’t follow in their footsteps.
Amber´s last [type] ..Catching Up with Julie from Momcafe
Mine are old enough that I now realize that the ones raised by the crunchy moms are just as screwed up as the ones raised on tv and chips. We just all do our best, close our eyes, and pray!
debbie´s last [type] ..Birthdays- Singing- And Why Is That Person Under The Table
This sounds like a post I need to write as well. I never sought to be a crunchy granola mom having grown up that way. But I am fundamentally and deeply against TV and technology (I do recognize the contradiction there). Naturally we all spend a lot of time doing all of the above. *sigh*
harriet´s last [type] ..What I learned in February
I don’t think I had expectations about the kind of mother I wanted to be. I did have expectations about the kind of family life we’d have, and my expectations didn’t always meet my kids opinions. I didn’t toss all my expectations, but I learned to listen more.
Francesca´s last [type] ..the magic of Black!
I am just catching up, and I wanted to say a big THANK YOU to Marilyn for hosting me, and to all of you for your lovely comments. I read each and every one, and I appreciate that you took the time to share your thoughts. You rock!
Amber´s last [type] ..Catching Up with Julie from Momcafe